Dear dogs,

While you know I love you dearly, there are a couple of things that have been bothering me lately. I thought it might help me to get them off my chest. While I have tried to talk to you about it, you seem to miss the point. I thought perhaps a letter might lend it more weight.
 

1. Feeding time. I feed you adequate amounts of food, and moreover, do so every day, consistently. I would appreciate it if you would limit your enthusiasm at my every movement prior to 7:00 am and until after 10:00 pm. If I roll over in bed, this does not necessarily mean I am getting up to feed you. In the same way, shifting my position on the couch at night does not mean I am getting up to feed you. Also, I am grouchy in the morning when I get up. I would appreciate if if when I shower you not wait at attention at the bathroom door. Please wait until after I have had my coffee. I promise, I won’t forget to feed you. I know I did that once, but that was over 10 years ago and I would appreciate it if you would take into account my exemplary performance since that time.

2. Taking shits. In the mornings, I don’t think that you need to take 20 minutes to sniff and snort at every inch of grass on our small patch of lawn. Let me point out that you shit there twice a day, every day. Over the course of a month, that’s 60 poops each. I’m sure that if you somehow miss taking a dump on the absolutely perfect patch of grass, that you can try to hit it up the next day. Additionally, as I am the one who cleans it up, I can virtually gurantee you that you have shit, at some point or another, on every available inch of grass on that lawn.

3. Medical issues. You are taking advantage of me. I would like to point out, with respect to #2 above, that I would be much harsher with disclipline in this area if it weren’t for Molly’s new incontinence problem Not only did I have to take you, Molly, to the vet as you dribbled out urine in the reception area, I had to buy your medicine from a human pharmacist who I suspect didn’t believe me when I said the medicine was for my dog. Somewhere, there is a computer record of my name and a prescription for incontinence medication, all for your sake. So, just because I now feel obligated to wait and make sure you both squeeze every drop of urine out, doesn’t mean that you need to take advantage of me by taking 20 minutes to find the right spot.

4. The cat. There are a few issues with the cat. First off, I don’t think the cat terribly appreciates it when you sniff her butt. I realize that this is a time-honored canine ritual, but I would like to point out that the cat is not a dog, and therefore does not especially like having her butt sniffed vigorously by two 60 pound dogs. I think I speak for her when I say that lifting both her hind legs in the air as you shove your snouts in her private regions is just plain rude. Second, the litter box is her domain, not yours, and (I speak to you particularly here Emma), you should not be trying to eat her shit. As mentioned in #1, I feed you adequate amounts of food and there is no need to supplement your diet with tasty feline nuggets. I would like to point out that the jar of dog biscuits is for that purpose, and if you behaved properly more often, you might get more of those.

5. Grooming. You both shed enormous amounts of fur. I would very much appreciate if it, when I am brushing you, you not flop over immediately on your bellies. I realize that you like belly rubs, however, the fur on your back, neck and haunches is where the action is, fur-wise, and where I would like to concentrate my efforts. Additionally, when I bathe you, it would be nice if you stood somewhat still, and didn’t target your shakes at me. I think it would be just peachy if you would shake yourself off at some distance, instead of following me around as soon as I put down the hose and waiting until you are close to me to shake off.

6. Ass-licking. I realize that it is in your nature to lick your butts. I am not asking you to abstain. I would, however, appreciate some consideration in this area. Please limit your butt-licking to the hours in which I am not home. If you absolutely feel the need to lick your ass when I’m home, please do so quietly. No slurping. Furthermore, do not expect to lick me after doing so. I will require a 30 minute time window before I will feel like petting you again.

7. Nose shoving. When you want to get petted, it is more than adequate to sit on the ground next to me, make eye contact, and wag your tail expectantly. I can understand this. If I do not pet you, it is usually because I am involved with something else. It is not necessary to shove your nose under my hand in an attempt to get my attention, and in fact, this usually goes badly. Take a moment here and consider yesterday morning’s coffee incident. This type of thing happens far too often and it must stop.

8. Greetings. I have noticed that when I get home from work, you rarely bother to get up from your pillows. While I appreciate the reclining tail thumps, it does hurt my feelings that I don’t get more of a welcome home. This would not be so distressing if it were not for the fact that whenever guests come over, you greet them with unbridled enthusiam. Why don’t I deserve the same, after all I do for you?

I hope, dear dogs, that you will take the following under consideration.

Cheers,

Your loving owner